Worrywart

It's so hard not to over think every little thing a baby does. Even if there is nothing "wrong" with them. I felt the same way when I was pregnant! Should I eat this, not drink that, workout less? It was constant. Well of course, now that we have Finn's diagnosis, I over think every moan and wimper.

According to his CT scan, he has no visible intracranial pressure. Phew. Actually, his form of synostosis is rarely associated with it. However, my biggest fear with waiting a month+ to operate was the possibility it could develop. This morning Finn was up at 6am crying. Usually he sleeps until 7 or 7:30am and most days he doesn't wake up upset. Of course my mind went crazy! Does he have a headache? Is his condition progressing? This on top of the normal worries - is he teething? tummy ache? bad dream? sick? fever? I know it could be any number of things but it's so hard no to think the worst.

A whole month of this is going to be challenging. From the people we've spoken to and the posts I've read on Facebook, the worries are all the same. Is at CT scan dangerous? How will he handle anesthesia? What will the scar look like? How will I clean it? How will he sleep? Will he be in a lot of pain? What if he's not the same adorable little kid after surgery? What if our next child has this?

Do parents ever stop worrying?! Mom? Dad? These are the things they don't write about in parenting books.

I tend to be very hard on myself. (At least that's what my therapist has told me.) I remember a while back, maybe 5 or 6 months ago, I called Brian into the bathroom while I was bathing Finn because it looked like Finn had a bump on the back of his head. We both convinced ourselves that it was normal and just a typical baby's head and that it just looked exaggerated because it was wet. I am trying very hard not to beat myself up over this but I wish I had taken that bump a little more seriously. When we went to see the plastic surgeon last month, he asked me to wet Finn's head so he could get a good luck at his skull shape. I remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach. Initially, I thought "Wow, he's good!" And then the guilt.

Many people have mentioned they never thought anything of Finn's head shape. I've posted about it before and it is evident from all of the pictures but he has A LOT of hair... and I think it's done a good job of masking the shape. The picture below was from last week and I think you can really see his condition here. At our second visit with the neurosurgeon, he asked us if we stare at his head now that we know something is wrong. Of course we do! And I was pretty convinced, for the first 24 hours after diagnosis, that his forehead was growing by the minute. But since they won't be shaving his head, hopefully those long locks with mask his scar too!

Moms - if you're reading... please, please go easy on yourselves! We are not doctors. We are overwhelmed. We can NOT do it all. But trust your gut. We are the voices for these little angels and if we don't speak up for them, who will!?

“What it's like to be a parent: It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do but in exchange it teaches you the meaning of unconditional love.” ― Nicholas Sparks